I’ve been secluding myself from my friends and family and have been unusually internet quiet.
I haven’t really been texting back, I haven’t gone anywhere. I see my friends once every couple of months, I don’t really talk to anyone at work (save for a funny comment every hour or so), I haven’t posted on Facebook, my twitter feed is basically retweets, and my Instagram has been stagnant (save for a recent post where my husband and I suggested we were going to steal a child).
I haven’t really written too much, and I haven’t painted anything since that apple in August.
I’ve basically disappeared.
My husband has been worried about me, and I’ve decided to say something about my silence.
I’ve been depressed.
I haven’t had the will to reply or create. My thoughts are a carousel of self-doubt, panic and anxiety, and every time I would get an idea, I would tell myself that I don’t have anything to say on the subject.
Except that I’ve had loads to say about a lot of topics and I’ve been oppressing myself.
I’ve been silent because I don’t like myself. I crave the self-acceptance I had when I started this venture, and although feelings are a choice, I haven’t been able to jump out of this spinning wheel of madness.
I tell myself that I can make a difference with what I have to say, only to reply to myself that my viewpoint doesn’t matter.
I’ve been struggling with thoughts that I don’t matter.
Social situations have been making me extra nervous, and I hesitate to engage. I don’t necessarily wish to be sought out, as I feel like my feelings are contagious, and I would hate to spread my negativity.
My period of artistic solitude has turned into a maddeningly depressive isolation.
Shaking myself out of it isn’t doing any good, but I wanted to tell everyone who feels this way that you’re not alone.
It’s dangerous to act on the feelings that self-imposed isolation brings with it. If I acted on the thoughts that I don’t matter, my actions would surely lead to my suicide.
It’s about fighting yourself, for yourself, until you win. Sometimes to win you need medicine. Sometimes you need therapy. Sometimes you need friends and family to center you again. Sometimes you just need time to collect your good thoughts and put your brain back in order.
Whatever it is you need to win, seek it out. You’re worth it.
Isolation breeds social anxiety, which makes socializing feel awkward, and makes you want to socialize less and feeds the thoughts that come with isolation.
To beat the crippling anxiety of wanting to socialize and the debilitating self-doubt, you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
For me, pushing myself out of my comfort zone is writing about why I haven’t been writing and pushing myself to do the things that need to be done. The more productive I am, the better I feel about myself and the less likely I am to fall into old patterns of seclusion.
If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you’re not alone. Call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline and speak to someone.