Beating Self-Isolation and Negative Thoughts

I’ve been secluding myself from my friends and family and have been unusually internet quiet.

I haven’t really been texting back, I haven’t gone anywhere. I see my friends once every couple of months, I don’t really talk to anyone at work (save for a funny comment every hour or so), I haven’t posted on Facebook, my twitter feed is basically retweets, and my Instagram has been stagnant (save for a recent post where my husband and I suggested we were going to steal a child).

I haven’t really written too much, and I haven’t painted anything since that apple in August.

I’ve basically disappeared.

My husband has been worried about me, and I’ve decided to say something about my silence.

I’ve been depressed.

I haven’t had the will to reply or create. My thoughts are a carousel of self-doubt, panic and anxiety, and every time I would get an idea, I would tell myself that I don’t have anything to say on the subject.

Except that I’ve had loads to say about a lot of topics and I’ve been oppressing myself.

I’ve been silent because I don’t like myself. I crave the self-acceptance I had when I started this venture, and although feelings are a choice, I haven’t been able to jump out of this spinning wheel of madness.

I tell myself that I can make a difference with what I have to say, only to reply to myself that my viewpoint doesn’t matter.

I’ve been struggling with thoughts that I don’t matter.

Social situations have been making me extra nervous, and I hesitate to engage. I don’t necessarily wish to be sought out, as I feel like my feelings are contagious, and I would hate to spread my negativity.

My period of artistic solitude has turned into a maddeningly depressive isolation.

Shaking myself out of it isn’t doing any good, but I wanted to tell everyone who feels this way that you’re not alone.

It’s dangerous to act on the feelings that self-imposed isolation brings with it. If I acted on the thoughts that I don’t matter, my actions would surely lead to my suicide.

It’s about fighting yourself, for yourself, until you win. Sometimes to win you need medicine. Sometimes you need therapy. Sometimes you need friends and family to center you again. Sometimes you just need time to collect your good thoughts and put your brain back in order.

Whatever it is you need to win, seek it out. You’re worth it.

Isolation breeds social anxiety, which makes socializing feel awkward, and makes you want to socialize less and feeds the thoughts that come with isolation.

To beat the crippling anxiety of wanting to socialize and the debilitating self-doubt, you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

For me, pushing myself out of my comfort zone is writing about why I haven’t been writing and pushing myself to do the things that need to be done. The more productive I am, the better I feel about myself and the less likely I am to fall into old patterns of seclusion.

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you’re not alone. Call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline and speak to someone.

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An Autistic Reflection of Self Acceptance

Excerpt 08/26/2016:

I’m imaging this. I’m imaging conflict. My differences are the root of this. I accept that I have them.

But this is where it stops. I’ve followed all the paths. The reason I’m afraid is because I think I don’t understand because I didn’t understand as a child.

I’m not a child anymore. I’m an adult.

I’m an adult capable of telling the truth, writing the truth, and being the truth, and capable of understanding that everyone is different. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, Arianne. You know the answers.

You don’t have any bad motives, and even though yesterday you were wrong doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen. It means you need to actually apply everything everyone has ever taught you.

Ask yourself first, because you probably have the answer.

Ask myself first, because I probably have the answer.

And if I don’t know the answer, I can tell the difference between a good, honest answer and a bad answer, and I know the difference between right and wrong.

I’m in charge of my own choices and actions.

I decide and I always decide to tell the truth.

Contentment is having all your needs met.

Anxiety makes me question, “what do I need?”, but if all my needs are met, why should I question?

Maybe that’s why some people don’t. Never stop asking questions.

Better yet, if anxiety makes me question, “what do I need?”, and all my needs are met, what’s the answer? A problem.

I wonder if regular people use this energy to talk to each other and help solve each other’s problems.

Christmas 2002 I got the “Back in the USA” Paul McCartney CD. I liked to listened to it on my CD player while I pushed my cat around in a Winnie the Pooh stroller.

I found that the CD sounded like a memory. I heard a song, I don’t remember which one, but it caught my attention with it’s familiarity. When one of my aunts heard me listening to it, she laughed at me and told me I was too young to know who he was. I was 11.

I was 13 when my mom made me throw away the stroller.

If anxiety is fight or flight, two animal behaviors, the root of the feeling would be the response of the person feeling anxiety. So fight would be closer to a predator response versus flight is the typical prey response.

Both stem from fear. Fear of attack. Don’t be afraid of the fight.

….

She says I’m trying to give my understanding, but I need to accept intellectually…

She says you can’t describe what rain looks like to someone who’s never seen before… I can tell when it’s raining by the air pressure, the wetness, the smell… but I wish I could tell if it’s going to rain.

I just need to accept that I can’t “see” and I never will.

I need to stop apologizing for being myself. I need to stop being sorry.

 

More Autistic Reflections:

An Autistic Reflection of Sensory Overload and Focus

An Autistic Reflection of Societal Views of Mental Health