Yeah I’ve Thought About It: Autism and Suicide

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A recent story stated that 66% of newly diagnosed adults with autism/Asperger’s contemplate suicide.

Let’s think about that for a moment.

In all of the concerns about the numbers, I found an article that has really good ideas about why we contemplate suicide, but the point of view of an NT (neurotypical – someone without autism) kind of makes me feel invalidated. A molehill is a mountain to an aspie? Come on. I’m not small enough think a molehill is a mountain; a mountain is a mountain, and just because you have tools to climb it and I don’t doesn’t mean that my tools are something to look down on, but I digress…

I was officially diagnosed at 25. I would be considered a newly diagnosed adult, but for me the thoughts come because I feel like a burden, and I’ve always felt that way. My first thought was when I was 13. Is it possible that it’s not just newly diagnosed adults? What about diagnosed teens? Children?

It’s easy to think, “I’m the problem.” I can think of so many people in my past who made me feel like I wasn’t worth their time. I can think of situations in the present that I’m not prepared for mentally, sometimes those make me think I want to take some kind of action like that. I understand this to be a chemical imbalance, but a lot of people don’t.

I’ve acted in ways during meltdowns that have made suicide seem like a viable option in my mind. I’ve had short thoughts, like “just drink the whole thing, do it, quick”, and long thoughts, “does life insurance pay out if it’s obvious you killed yourself?”.

I learned early though that suicide is never the answer. I saw the affects that taking your own life has on loved ones on TV, and I reasoned that if so many shows posed the experience as, “How could so-and-so be so selfish?” then that must be how suicide is viewed, as a selfish act. I decided to never to put my family through that. While I know now that suicidal ideation is a symptom of a larger problem, I’m glad I learned this lesson early.

Every single time the thought has crossed my mind, I’ve conquered it, to the point where it’s just a “helpful” reminder that I’m still alive and thriving in some ways. Particularly in the way of surviving myself. I refuse to allow myself to self-sabotage (basically, I just think about everything twice before I do it, then I think of the most probable outcome), and that has led me to be successful for someone of my disabilities. NTs think with their subconscious, which means their conscious minds don’t have focus to recognize input, such as eye contact, body language, facial movements, etc. Their conscious mind only has to process what’s being said, making their brains much faster at socializing than ours.

Our brains and subconscious work differently than theirs, and our thought process involves word processing in lieu of subtle cues. The conversational problems involved with this type of thinking can lead to semantical disagreements and misunderstandings. We desire connection, probably more so than the NT, and the anxiety of confusion often causes us to be misconstrued as maybe aggressive, annoying, or intentionally confusing. (*side note, sometimes we can be interpreted as funny) This can lead to an NT being afraid, angry, confused, or curious by an our behavior, or lack of reciprocation. Most times they’re trying to talk in the feelings language, and subtle cues quicken the pace of conversation. We tend to feel sensitive at these types of exchanges. In our minds, we’re thinking, “don’t you see how hard I’m trying?”  

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I’m not meant for this!

More than once this breakdown has led me to feel like I’m an idiot, and then pissed me off. I’m a fiery soul, but not all of us are. Some of us are gentler and more susceptible to the rants of someone who seems to know what’s happening. Alexithymia strikes again.

Because we’re trying to figure out if we’re being annoying, being understood, communicating effectively, etc., using our ears instead of our eyes, we often miss or confuse visual cues by the NT person, which leads to more misunderstandings. People fear what they don’t understand, and hate what they fear. It often leaves us wondering, “Do Neurotypicals Hate Us?”

They don’t hate us though. They just don’t understand us, because it’s difficult for us to explain our emotions. That gap needs to be bridged, we can’t be walking around thinking they hate us and they can’t be walking around not understanding. It’s just not an acceptable predicament.

As an autistic person, I searched and searched for something I could do to help bridge this gap. All I found was that I needed to accept myself and my spouse needed to understand my needs. Self-acceptance is a steady and unconditional love of self, and was something I haven’t always had. And yet, there is no other way to co-exist, and that’s very real.

Self-esteem is based off of what you think of yourself. If you derive your self worth by what others think of you, it will be forever dependent on your behavior. This means that when other people judge you negatively for having a meltdown, you will feel bad about yourself. You will feel terrible about yourself for something you can’t control. What sense does that make? By accepting yourself, you are letting go of the illusion that you can psychologically control a neurological problem.

It’s important for the welfare of the person with autism to have self-esteem. Self-esteem influences everything we do, including hurting and killing ourselves.

If you or someone you know if contemplating suicide, it’s important that you/they don’t go through it alone. Here is suicide hotline:

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 via Psych Central

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10 comments

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  1. Zinzi

    Having lost multiple friends to suicide (the latest within the past few months) I know how much it hurts to be the one left behind, but suffering with mental health problems myself I also know why they did it (or at least have more of an understanding), at least as much as one person can ever really understand why another person does anything.

    One thing that has really helped me is listening to subliminal self esteem audio whilst I sleep, it’s done wonders for my confidence. Another thing that helps is EFT tapping, which seems weird af when you first look into it, but strangely it does work (at least for a LOT of people) with some things.

  2. privatepersonblog

    I too have come very close to carrying through suicide on a few occasions. One attempt I ended in hospital, the others I managed to pull myself back. However, I do wonder if I’ll always be able to pullback.

    It is a sense of not being valued and respected,

    It is the sense of having trust betrayed.

    Of being used, abused and disposed of. Ripped off. Invisible as a human.

    Products of my mind and life experience appropriated by others for their own advancement.

    An unacknowledged resource.

    I have no social identity so my mind, its creations and products are who i am and when I’m robbed of that I see ……………..

  3. Kay

    I have autism, depression, anxiety, chronic intractable migraines…I was bullied and abused most of my life by my peers. At 31, I still am by coworkers and acquaintances I can’t avoid in my life.

    The first time I contemplated suicide was when I was 12. I knew I had autism then. I knew I was depressed. I also had childhood epilepsy at the time and a lot of the focus on my health was on the epilepsy not my mental health. I was dismissed as a “lazy” student because of my struggles and needs. My peers played games with me, until I told them I’d leave if they left me alone for 1 day. When they did…1 day of no harassment that returned the next day with mocking laughs of ‘you said 1 day’ was the last straw. I felt so outside everything. I hated the way I was.i hated everyone who didn’t seem to care that I was in pain. A boy my age caught me trying to sneak off on my own between martial arts classes. He made me talk. He let me cry. And he said the only thing I needed to hang on that night. ‘I’d never let anyone do that to you if I were there.’ I knew he meant it. He was my only friend at the time.

    I was taken out of the school when my mother realized that it wasn’t going to stop. I had the thoughts all through highschool but I kind of clung to the memory of that boy and that kindness. People tell me that’s not enough to counter feeling suicidal…for me it was. He was my lifeline so to speak, something to live for.

    When I lost him a lot of it came back but by then I was medicated, depression was real. They were beginning to see connections between depression and autism. Autism wasn’t being cast aside as fake like it was when I was diagnosed. People were understanding there wasn’t a neat little box for it, thus the spectrum.

    I hauled myself through life determined to prove I’d be okay. To everyone who said I couldn’t or wouldn’t. I did okay till a a year ago. A coworker spread rumors I was a hermaphrodite. People were working toward eliminating my bathroom privileges…all because I was quiet and kept to myself. I had a meltdown at work with my boss behind me. I said I’ve never wanted to die as much as I want to now, having worked so hard, changed so much to conform to the NT expectation, changed ME for them…I hate myself more than they hate me. Because I can’t remember what being happy feels like.

    My boss made me talk, but eventually insisted I go back to work. I spent the night crying while people mocked me. My therapist wanted to get me checked into the hospital. And then I can’t remember who…but someone asked me how I could think so selfishly. And that snapped something in me.

    Not the way you’re probably thinking. I didn’t have this ‘omg I’m being selfish’ epiphany. Quite the opposite. A ‘god the world is selfish’ epiphany. We live in a world that tells us it’s fine for us to suffer this way so long as we don’t cause pain to others. That sounds selfish to me. You’re asking me to suffer, and struggle, while you mock and ridicule me–so YOU don’t have to feel bad about it?

    Thank goodness I have things to cling to. Because that would have been the end, realizing this bs we’ve been fed. I’ll never take my own life, I promised myself if I ever felt that bad I’d check myself in myself. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed of a need for help. But there is nothing as selfish as asking someone to suffer for your happiness. I will never abide that again either.

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